Logline: Young teenager tries to overcome accidentally killing his girl friend, and forever lives in the shadow of her death.
Bottles of wine scattered on the table. Teenager looks at his girlfriend as they tip off their shot glasses. Couple shots lead into few more as both teenagers continue drinking. Glasses begin falling off the table as teenagers begin to get really drunk. Baseball bat sits near the table as the teenagers grabs it. Girl friend pretends to throw ball at teenagers. Teenager eventually swings the bat, hitting girlfriend in the head, killing her.
Teenager wakes up from nightmare. Looking at the picture of his girlfriend, gets up and takes anxiety pills. After taking shower and washing up, teenagers gets ready for school. Teenager doesn't concentrate in class and is distraught throughout the day.
As he returns home, he watches T.V. and does homework. Teenager eventually begins to think about his girlfriend and all their happy moments. Teenager steals on off parents bottle of wine and runs to the room. Drinking the wine in desperation, teenager begins to cry himself to sleep.
Teenager wakes up in the middle of the night. Hearing footsteps outside his room, teenager walks out to see it. He sees a ghost figure of his girl friend. Teenager rushes in joy towards girl friend, but image disappears.
Hearing something upstairs, teenager rushes up the stairs. Teenager sees the ghost of his girl friend on the couch. Again, teenager rushes to ghost, but vanishes. Teenager sits down on couch and begins to sob. As teenager is sobbing, ghost of girl friend begins patting teenagers back. Teenager looks up at ghost, seeing her smile at him. Ghost smiles at teenager and kisses him on fore head. Ghost then vanishes away for good.
Teenager wakes up from dream and looks at the empty side of the bed. Looking at her picture, teenager smiles and looks out the window.
I like the theme of guilt in this story. I think you should include more flashbacks of the two teenagers' happy moments together. Need more character development to really express the guy's guilt for killing his girlfriend. Unclear climax (is it when the ghost girlfriend pats him on the back & vanishes forever?).
ReplyDeleteI can see the ending and beginning of your concept, but i don;t see anything in the middle that provides a new issue. Something like people making fun of him for accidentely killing his girlfriend. Showing the main character frantically checking hit girlfriend can also help sell how dramatic it really is.
ReplyDeleteThis story seems a bit dark and gloomy. Tragedies are a bit redundant and do not appeal much to the audience, a girlfriends death because of the incompetent choices teenagers make may not be a good choice to convey to high school students. The character's internal struggle though is something you can portray, because many teenagers face hardships and struggles that distort their minds. Also a ghost that is sympathetic towards the teenager after he kills her is a bit comedic, when the mood your trying to convey is one of remorse, and forgiving.
ReplyDeleteFirst Im not sure if Bigue is going to like your story, because it involves teenage drinking. The next scene might also be difficult to pull off. Killing the girl with the base ball bat is going to take creative editing and good camera placement. I think there is some story, but there seems to be lacking a climax. I think you might need to fix the cliche ending.
ReplyDeletethis sounds dark and depressing and there is no main focus in this story. involving drugs and alcohol wouldn't be approved by mr.Bigue and there's a big gap in the climax/rising action.
ReplyDelete